Improving+Sentences

Add one sentence here, written for one of your latest two essays, that you have re-written to a) shorten, b) combine, c) remove repetition or d) remove w.o.i! Include the original AND the new, then sign.

Original: Continuing upon that, Barry compares the Mississippi to other rivers such as the Po, the Rhine and the Missouri, giving an example of a time where "devastating" floodwaters of the Missouri and upper Mississippi "put no strain" on the lower Mississippi, communicating and putting into perspective just how grand the river is. Rewrite: Barry compares the Mississippi to other rivers such as the Po, the Rhine and the Missouri, giving an example of a time where "devastating" floodwaters of the Missouri and upper Mississippi "put no strain" on the lower Mississippi, which puts into perspective just how grand the river is. -Kevin Ma

Crystal:
 * Original -** Although the obvious subject is the execution, Orwell uses it to reveal his true purpose, which is to show the inhumanity found in human beings.
 * Rewrite (Shortened):** Orwell uses the obvious subject of a single execution to reveal his true purpose, which is to show the inhumanity found in human beings.

Vanessa: Original: By using educational diction such as "turbulent" and "hydraulics", he convinces the audience that he as the speaker is very well learned, and puts himself in a superior position without sounding too didactic or having the reader feel defensive. Rewrite: By using education diction such as "turbulent" and "hydraulics", he establishes a well-learned speaker, making his fascination with the river even more intriguing.

Lynette:
 * Original: By stating a question and providing an answer to that same question, the author makes his audience feel as though he really knows what he is talking about.
 * Rewrite: By asking a question and providing an answer to that same question, the author highlights his authority.

Wendy: Original- Laughing then starts abruptly for a cruel comment made by an Eurasian boy, witness to the hanging, showing barbaric consideration for the now dead prisoner. Orwell is able to purposely draw attention to the way everyone treated the hanging through narration by emphasizing how the immense laughter was cause by an unmannerly comment. Rewrite- Laughing then starts abruptly for a cruel comment made by an Eurasian boy, a witness to the hanging, thus allowing Orwell highlights their barbaric consideration for the now dead prisoner.

- Frank
 * Original:** When the river “snakes seaward”, Barry chooses to apply alliteration, describing the river’s “sinuosity” as a “series of S curves” that “snake seaward,” while “sucking” at the “surface” and “scouring” holes.
 * Rewrite:** When the river “snakes seaward”, Barry applies alliteration, describing the river’s “sinuosity” as a “series of S curves” that “suck” at the “surface” and “scour” holes.

-Tait
 * Original:** Those involved in the hanging have developed a somewhat inhuman "insensitivity" towards the action of killing a man, and feel no real remorse for their actions. By showing this, Orwell subtly places his negative stance towards capital punishment into the reader's mind.
 * Rewrite (Combined):** By showing that that those involved in the hanging have developed an inhuman "insensitivity" towards the action of killing a man, and feel no real remorse for their actions, Orwell places his negative stance towards capital punishment into the readers mind.

-Kevin Jou
 * Original:** At the beginning of the passage, Barry bombards the reader with a powerful description. He characterizes the river as "an extraordinary dynamic combination of turbulent effects, and river hydrolics".Words such as "extraordinary" and "turbulent" insinuate a feeling of excitement, meaning that as soon as the passage starts, the reader gets the feeling of excitement.
 * Rewrite:** At the beginning of the passage, Barry characterizes the river through the use of words such as "extraordinary" and "turbulent", insinuating a feeling of excitement.


 * Original:** With each "whirling" description Barry offers the reader of the Mississippi River, the author's fascination with this force is emphasized.
 * New Shortened:** With each "whirling" description, Barry's fascination with this force is emphasized. - Amelie


 * Original:** Orwell begins by foreshadowing the events ahead by describing the scene as a "sodden morning of rains" and goes on to further describe the poor living conditions of the inmates who were staring through those "double barred animal cages."
 * New Shortened:** Orwell begins by foreshadowing the events ahead by describing the scene as a "sodden morning of rains" where the inmates stare through "double barred animal cages." - Zara


 * Original:** His use of factual information and quotes near the beginning followed by more imagery near the end highlights the shift in his perspective of the river's "complexity", in addition to communicating his fascination with the river to his readers.
 * Remove W.O.I** : His use of factual information and quotes near the beginning shifting to more imagery near the end highlights his fascination with all aspects of the river's magnificence. - Juhi


 * Original:** His word choice, sentence structure and description, brings the readers' perspective of the Mississippi River to a higher level of understanding, conveying his deep fascination with the grand river.
 * Remove W.O.I:** His rhetoric strategies convey his deep fascination with the grand Mississippi River. - Jean


 * Original:** Very early on in his exposition Barry delves into the scientific concepts believed to govern the world, yet he counters that the Mississippi's extraordinary "hydraulics quickly go beyond complex", demonstrating his conviction that the river is different, something worth contemplating by the audience.
 * Remove W.O.I:** Very early on Barry delves into the scientific concepts believed to govern the world, yet he counters that the Mississippi's extraordinary "hydraulics quickly go beyond complex", demonstrating his conviction that the river is unique. - Alex Zhang


 * Original:** Barry then references, from James Gleick's book, the physicist Werner Heisenberg, who is shown to have said, "I really think God may have an answer to the first question", when asked two questions: "why relativity? And why turbulence?"
 * Shortened (Less wordy):** Barry then references the physicist Werner Heisenberg, who thinks "God may have an answer" to why relativity exists, but not to why turbulence does. - Michael


 * Original:** This communicates his fascination with the river to the audience, by using the techniques of analyzing and describing, to further demonstrate a parallel structure to the lives of human beings.
 * Remove W.O.I:** This communicates his fascination with the river, by using the techniques of analyzing and describing, to further demonstrate a parallel structure to the lives of human beings. - Alex Sotiropoulos
 * BETTER YET** : By using the techniques of analysis and description, Barry further demonstrates a parallel structure to the lives of humans. - Mrs. Rosen


 * Original:** These descriptions are easier for the reader to interpret and agree with, as the reader can picture the "uncoiling rope made up of a multitude of discrete fibers...snapping like a whip" and the river "trying to devour itself."
 * Shortened:** It is easy to picture the "uncoiling rope made up of a multitude of discrete fibers...snapping like a whip" and the river "trying to devour itself." - Dan


 * Original:** By using narrative techniques such as juxtaposition, description, and attention to detail, Orwell successfully puts the readers into his shoes, and his story unfolds in a way that conveys his purpose clearly to the reader, thus demonstrating the effectiveness of narration as an expository pattern when dealing with questions of value.
 * Remove W.O.I.:** By using narrative techniques such as juxtaposition, description, and attention to detail, Orwell successfully puts the readers into his shoes, and his story demonstrates the effectiveness of narration as an expository pattern when dealing with questions of value. -Cynthia


 * Original:** By narrating his personal experience of a hanging, he [Orwell] can use descriptions to evoke images and emotions to his audience unique to a first hand observer, and also avoid directly stating his opinion. Furthermore, by concentrating on just one hanging during his time as a member of the British Imperial Police in Burma, the experience becomes more significant and amplified, more of an isolated incident rather than an everyday occurence.
 * Combine and Remove W.O.I.:** By narrating his personal experience of a hanging, he [Orwell] makes the experience seem more significant (as it is only one hanging during his time as a member of the British Imperial Police), and also uses description to evoke images and emotions to his audience unique to a first hand observer. - Kim


 * Original:** In John M. Barry's __Rising Tide: The Great Mississippi Flood of 1927 and How It Changed America__, the author utilizes the literary pattern of description in order to seve his purpose of showcasing the complex mechanics of the Mississippi River.
 * Remove W.O.I.:** In John M. Barry's __Rising Tide: The Great Mississippi Flood of 1927 and How It Changed America__, the author utilizes the literary pattern of description in order to showcase the complex mechanics and personality of the Mississippi River. - Grace

=
To further obtain sympathy – and thereby urging readers to examine the “unspeakable wrongness” of “cutting a life short,” Orwell withheld key information pertaining to the prisoner. Only using narration as his main rhetorical device allows Orwell to have done this, because the story-like flow of narration eclipses over his omission - the narratora may choose to omit facts they do not recall or do not deem important. In a description or other devices it might seem rather illogical to exclude such a large detail. The large detail Orwell chose to leave out was what crime the prisoner committed to deserve his death sentence. The main reason he did not tell readers this was mostly likely because this will significantly decrease the amount of sympathy for the prisoner, and thus render his whole essay less effective. ===== Remove or Combine: **By withholding information, Orwell obtained further sympathy from his audience and urged them to examine the "unspeakable wrongness" of "cutting a life short." Only narration enables him to omit a large detail without taking away from the quality of his essay.**  **(Emily Z) **


 * Original:** As Barry begins to focus on the Mississippi River, he employs the technique of comparison to show "engineering theories and techniques that apply to other rivers" "simply do not work on the lower Mississippi, thus drawing attention to the superiority of the lower Mississippi.

Nataly
 * Remove W.O.I.:** As Barry begins to focus on the Mississippi River, he employs comparison to show "engineering theories and techniques that apply to other rivers" "simply do not work on the lower Mississippi, thus drawing attention to the superiority of the lower Mississippi.


 * Original:** Starting with a general idea and quickly transitioning into a specific one, Barry is able to emphasize the notable differences of the rivers through juxtaposition, repetition, transitions and the use of example in order to highlight the central idea with constant support.
 * Remove W.O.I.:** Starting with a general idea and quickly transitioning into a specific one, Barry is able to emphasize the notable differences between the Mississippi river and other rivers through juxtaposition, repetition, transitions and the use of example. - Scott

Underscoring the fact that the Mississippi "follows no set course," Barry in that paragraph varies his sentence structure.... Underscoring the fact that the Mississippi "follows no set course," Barry varies his sentence structures... - Ji Young -
 * Original:**
 * Revised:**